anger is a gift

have you ever felt physically sick over constant worry. i don’t recommend it

I took the years of being idle over summer for granted. The months of staying in and being a recluse was when i was happiest.  i was learning. Watching movies, studying philosophy and history,  reading, teaching myself new languages, going to small indie band concerts.

Now i’m burnt out. 

I can’t even begin to express how i feel. I’m scared to voice these worries in case they are refuted and labelled as overdramatic. Trying to ignore them has left me sleepless.  I’m not hysterical, i’m human. 

Complicated relationships. Why lie to me, you know how i feel.

Politics. Constantly fighting against falling into a sunken place. I’m tired. I’m angry. 

weight in gold

I’ve never been slim my whole adult life. Just like many other girls, our bodies became our biggest insecurities. 

Finding another stretch mark has made me emotional many a time and the dreaded fitting rooms are our kryptonite. Our clothing choices are always limited because retail companies must obviously believe that larger girls dress in strictly maternal clothing.

Learning to love my body is something i will always struggle with. My body is perfectly healthy internally that i should be more grateful for but ofcourse, what we see distracts us. 

On my birthday, i wore and posted pictures of a dress that wasn’t my usual style. I was flooded with compliments and calls from my friends however despite this I still didn’t feel good within my body. I realised I am my own critic.

never has anyone made me feel uncomfortable about my body besides myself. how can i complain if I haven’t put in the work. how can i complain if i haven’t made a change.

this city

the city i was born into this world to

the city i should be proud of and loyal to

is the city im the most happiest when im away from

i dont want to see the same streets ive walked down all my life i dont want to bump into the strangers that are too familiar to even call strangers anymore

the city that never changes and is always asleep, is the city that is the complete opposite of me

unneccesary noise

The university campus is currently under construction. Why they decided to start construction when everyones back for the new semester and not before is beyond me. However, it was during my walk to the student union that i noticed how i was the only person who was obviously irritated by this drilling noise. Okay i’m sure others were but i’m a very animated person; i couldn’t help but be physically annoyed. It made me realise that i dislike unneccesary loud noise. 

In the past 6 months, i’ve been to one festival and 3 concerts. All front row sans the festival, which means i’m positioned nearer the speakers but i don’t mind at all because i love music. But when it comes to drilling noise i have to make a conscious effort to not pull a face.

Leeds festival last summer was an experience. I had my first panic attack which was partially brought on by being dehydrated and drenched in so much mud; i’m clearly not an outdoorsy person.

The most recent concert i went to was last saturday. I’ve gone to concerts alone before however it was the first big concert held in an arena in my city that i’ve attended alone. Although i love the intimacy of a small venue, the stage decoration and production value of a bigger artist’s world tour is always appreciated. After queuing for so long and several delayed opening acts, Drake put on a great show. Although i had fun, i did miss having a friend to chat with whilst waiting for the show. 

I made a new years resolution a few years back to invest in experiences over material rewards and i’m glad that it’s now become second nature to me. 

valentines 

So i was going grocery shopping with my mother on sunday when i saw lots of red decorations. Naturally, i thought of lunar new year (hope you had a great new years to those who celebrated!). My mother thought so too so we ignored the display and went straight to the veggie and fruit aisle (my fave). Then i soon realised it was for valentines day. 

Another day i don’t celebrate. 

Ahh another social construct of the capitalist society we live in. I did manage to scavenge some cheap lindt chocolate from the messy shelf. Yes, i also got two free subs courtesy of subways ‘customer appreciation day’ đź’žđź’ž.  I’m an opportunist okay.


Pauline and I often schedule a minimum of two lunch break catch ups a week. I don’t know whether it was the extra shot of caramel in my cappucino or my lack of sleep, but we got talking about some deep topics that got me thinking. I really value those moments when you can be completely open and vulnerable with someone, without fear of judgement.

I then proceded to spend the rest of the day alone, going to the cinema to watch split – which is the best psychothriller i watched in cinema, and brought a cute vintage blouse perfect for our upcoming holiday! 

Looking back at this week, the decisions spawn from my spontaneousity and compulsiveness are usually my most enjoyable and memorable moments. 

first week of feb

finally back at uni! yes, I know;  we have long breaks okay. With friends back at work, placements and studies weeks ago it was great teasing them about my extensive break. Alas, it’s over and I’m back to my routine of going to uni and stressing about assessments all over again.

the first week of february found me doing a lot of new things. I had my very first skype interview – i’ll let you know how it goes- , I learnt how to photocopy something something which I am ashamed to say i never did before, and i went to a zumba class in the dark and wore glow in the dark face paint for the first time in my adult life  #thisgirlcan. i’ve never been a dress up person, the last time i remember wearing face paint i was probably 8 years old for summer carnival. Last week, pauline and I went to see Moana. It was the first time I watched a children’s movie in the cinema. Although i’m not disney’s biggest fan, i really enjoyed it and loved the representation. yes you’re likely to see me humming along to how far i’ll go whilst i’m out and about.

this week had me searching high and low for my passport. I have a month before I go on holiday – perfect timing. After 2 days of sky rocketing anxiety levels, my sleep deprived self managed to find it just before calling up to cancel and report it as missing. thanks mum.

if you follow me on social media, you’ll probably seen me sing along to anime openings recently. yeah sorry not sorry. on that note, i finished watching my very first anime and with my netflix trial ending soon, i have to find something else to binge watch. Any suggestions?

With very little time left to get my beach body ready, little money due to the lack of work coming my way lately and being inactive due to catching the flu, we’ll see how my anticipated holiday turns out!

 

first of feb

We have finally come to the end of January. A month that dragged on for everyone

 

This past weekend I visited London to see my sister. I always feel alive when i’m in a buzzing city like London. We never really do much besides hang out, talk for hours and go out to eat; my favourite things to do. 

I got some bad news earlier this week but I was impressed and suprised about how i quickly dealt with the situation. Rejection usually has me idly wallowing in self pity all day but i just got on with it. I hope this becomes a habit of mine. My summer placement search is still ongoing and rejection is something i’ve been having to deal with a lot more often because of it. 

I was also reminded that this time next year I will be preparing for my 5 month final placement (hopefully abroad) that is motivating me. My sixth form pals are preparing for their final term with their dissertations (although i’m not envious of that), I can’t wait to celebrate their graduation with them. 
Love always

Hamdah